Take a Deep Breath…You Mean Nothing and this Could Save Your Heart

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Shocking title…I know. You do mean something, but maybe not to them. You’re reading this, and I know you respect yourself enough to say, “I’m done. I deserve better.”

You want to mean something to him, don’t you? But what if you don’t? Are you strong enough to leave? I know for me, a woman that strong is endlessly sexy. I’m guessing women would say the same for a guy that can do it. I have no desire but to build my partners up, and I have nothing but respect for the ladies and gentlemen that will accept nothing less than that.

It’s true. There are a lot of guys that look for girls with daddy issues and low self-esteem they can push around. Total turn off to me, and I doubt that’s the woman you want to be. Though this is focused on giving ladies the strength they need to provide a healthy F-U to a loser, there are guys in the same shoes. Dudes…I did my best to include you. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been in abusive relationships.

First, let me state that if he doesn’t want you now, he will not like you more later. It’s true, friends can become more, but there has to be something initially. Nothing ever becomes something. How many of you tried to ‘fix’ a guy only to learn that crap doesn’t work…come on…testify.

Just know, guys looking for girls with daddy issues have an equivalent. Most bad boys, the guy’s women can’t help but love has mommy issues. At heart, they’re scared, little boys. They’re exciting because they repress all feelings and can act wild and crazy doing whatever they want because they haven’t invested (and never will) an iota of energy. They can and will leave you in a heartbeat and think nothing of it. Studies have shown you can’t mute one feeling without cutting off all other emotions…i.e., they genuinely don’t care. It’s not just an act to get you.

They…almost all of them, have the Madonna/whore complex. If you haven’t heard of this…these mother-loving bad boys will fall in love with a woman he likens to his mother. As such, he will treat her the same. The wild toss you around the room like a ragdoll leaving rugburns still sore several days later Monkey sex, he can’t have with you, because he sees you like a mother and that would tarnish his image of his mother.

You want it. He won’t give it to you because…well, you’re in the same category as his mother. He’ll happily find another he has no respect for and has that bonkers sex he won’t have with you…but that’s because he doesn’t respect the ‘whore’ in this equation. He can’t see you as a fantastic woman with the sex life he dreams of having and a wonderful woman at the same time.

Initially, it can be challenging because you’re filled with lustful attraction. Here, you might not know much…but you know you want him naked and on you. Please hold back…I know you’re burning to have him…but a quality guy will get it and move on your comfort timeline. For the record…I get it. You’re a lady…but ladies need the sexual side of a relationship too.

I’m going to bullet point off now talking about some specifics you need to look at. Again…I get it. You need fucked, and I’m just making sure it’s the right person fucking you and not fucking you over.

1. They’ll be too busy for you: Oh yes…people get busy. Busy like a bee, but a person in love will make time. It may not be as long as you’d like, but they’ll make time, and if they don’t, they’ll pick another date and plan with you.

It’s when you constantly hear the busy excuse…and it is an excuse without effort to see you another time or just for a bit. It’s also evident when you are together, and they make sure to be in a different room if it’s a party or event. This is a 100% clear indicator your relationship is circling the drain. I know this because I’ve done this. My friends have done this. It’s a classic create distance in hopes you’ll get the message and break it off, so they don’t have to and be the bad guy.

If you see it, recognize it. You are the one to call it off. Do it for yourself. Do it to show yourself you matter, and if you don’t matter to them, it’s their loss. In this vein, the most helpful thing I can tell you is don’t hold on to someone that’s not trying to hold on to you. Let go and let it be.

2. Rudeness Galore: When in love, people fawn over each other and tell the world how awesome they are. That ‘honeymoon’ effect does tend to wear off. It turns more into joking around and kidding with each other rather than the writings inspired by a love-obsessed muse. You’ll see a slight shift from over-the-top romance to a more comfortable, playful give and take with lovers.

What you won’t see is rudeness. You won’t know that couple is putting each other down in public or putting their partner down when they aren’t around. Sure, things are said because nobody in any relationship is perfect…but you’ll never be able to see a lack of love or respect between the two.

When rudeness is injected into the relationship, it’s time to set sail and go. It’s another tactic of the weak to make you leave, so you’re the bad one. Don’t fall for it. You aren’t weak. You aren’t the bad one. They are, and who cares what others think. You’ve got your love goggles on. Now take the off. Don’t accept it. See it for what it is, and that is abuse. Get yourself out of the situation and find a real man or woman. A real man or woman would have the courage to say this isn’t working for me.

3. Bouncing from Hot and Cold: This is the Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hide effect. You’ll see it when one person hasn’t decided if they should stay or should they go. In doing this, they’re demonstrating their doubts are serious. Often…they’ve got somebody else they’re pursuing, and you’re the backup.

Yes, you change in the ways they want and possibly keep them for a little longer. However, you wouldn’t be authentic to yourself. Pull up anchor and go if you’re on the receiving end of this. If you’re on the giving end, be straight and honest. You know it’s not going to work out, but you’re not ending it because you need somebody or don’t want to be the bad guy. Save everybody’s pain and just end it. You’ll all be happier as a result.

4. Avoiding that Loving Gaze: Looking into someone’s eyes is a simple way of communication. Before words, much of what was said was in a gaze, not words. When you don’t love somebody but are acting as thought, you do. When you’re trying to pull the wool over their eyes for whatever reason, it’s tough to keep a gaze on their peepers.

It means something compelling if you notice your love can’t hold your gaze. Take it as their inability to say what they know is right. The eyes are the window to the soul; if they don’t hold your gaze, it means something. Looking somebody in the eyes is so powerful. Not being able to meet their gaze tells a lot.

5. Anger Anger Anger: In the beginning, love is so alive and carefree. Any disagreement is quickly patched over with heartfelt apologies and often wakes the dead make-up sex. Personally, make-up sex can be so hot that I sometimes think I want to start an argument just for the make-up sex.

You’ll find that when a lover loses int,erest and their love is the fear of moving on and changing, they will often be constantly angry. Nothing you do or say will be correct. There will be a problem with everything. It will usually be digging into total minutia or the past, which should have long since been buried.

You don’t want to be with an angry person; you’re probably not. Their mad because they don’t have the guts to say this isn’t working anymore. If you don’t have balls and weren’t seeking a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t be reading this. Be strong. Be healthy. Kick them to the curb!

6. You only Ignore the Unimportant: Are you feeling ignored. If you have a relatively healthy sense of self-esteem, you are not crazy. You are being missed. Often, lovers that can’t live up to the name ‘lover’ will ignore it. More often than not, they’re trying to shrug you off. Sometimes they’re even jealous of the level of success you have in comparison to theirs.

If your love is suddenly ducked diving your calls, it’s not an accident. Anybody in love always makes time one way or the other. It may be just a few moments…but yes, they will make time. Sometimes you do have to call it out and be a straight shooter. Sometimes yes, it’s okay to say this is not okay. Be strong. Don’t be the strong, silent one that gets shafted in the end. Be the strong and lengthy one that says this is not right. Tell me what’s going on.

7. You Communicate with those you Love: Call it what you want: the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. There’s something foul in Denmark when they get quiet, and it’s not for just a short time after a lover’s quarrel.

I’m a tranquil person. That has more to do with the fact I don’t like being at parties or in large groups of people. I also love to listen and learn about others. With all this, I’ll still talk. Especially when I’m excited, you can’t shut me up. When your once talkative love goes silent like a ninja slipping through the night, you’ve got a problem…and it’s not a small problem you can ignore.

Confronting them at this point is necessary. Force them to talk or walk away. Either way, you’ve got your answer. Please don’t cling to somebody who is not sticking to you. Understand not every relationship works out. It’s no slight on you. If you find you’ve tied your self-worth to another, you’re headed for dark skies.

8. Lovers don’t Keep Secrets: Love and honesty flow in a happy and healthy relationship. You don’t always know what your lover is doing or who they’re with, but that’s okay. You don’t need to. When the situation arises, they don’t tell you where they were or who they were with because it’s something they’re hiding. You’ve got a grievance if they’re coming home late saying nothing or giving a lame B.S. excuse.

The hard part is you cannot do anything about it. You’ve lost if you become the ‘nag’ or jealous lover. If you do nothing, you feel like you’ve lost even though you haven’t. It can be hard letting go, but for someone that is secretive, you don’t want that. Be strong and break it off. You are the one that demands more.

I do not do this for fun, but for a while, in every relationship I was in when it went sour, I waited until she called it quits. I knew it was a relationship circling the drain but couldn’t pull the breakup trigger. The first time I did. I broke it off with a lady who wasn’t right; I felt so strong and empowered. No, there wasn’t an argument or nasty things, but I felt vital for saying, “No, this is not what I want.” Try it out. Break up with somebody that isn’t right for you and feel your sense of self-respect sore.

9. Let me Compare thee to a Summer’s Day: Oh yes, this one sucks. When they’re comparing you to others, especially their past lovers, that’s downright brutal! Comparing is a critical relationship failure.

Lovers don’t compare. There’s no need to. To them, you are perfect as you are. Yes, you have imperfections, but to them, those are unique quirks that make you…you. You can have a bed head, a red nose from your cold, and you’ll be nothing but beautiful to them.

It’s hard, I know. You want who you want, and that’s that. However, it may not be suitable. If they are comparing you to others, the simple response you give is saying, “Okay, go after them. I hope the two of you will be happy.” You are a fantastic individual. You respect yourself and will not accept disrespect from a lowlife partner.

Remember, nobody can make you feel bad. You can let them make you feel bad, but that’s your choice. Think about it, if you allow another to make you feel anything, you’re passing total control of your life over to another. You’re strong. You’re tough. You think the way you want to feel. You can be let down and bounce back. You can be cheated on without cheating and be strong enough to say goodbye. You are you, and you are strong! Yes, life is a hierarchy, but you get to choose where you fall in this food chain…hard, though.

10. If Only: You need to stop thinking you need to be more. You are a rockstar! You don’t need to be better. It’s incredibly self-destructive to say, “if only I were thinner,” “if only I were more beautiful,” and “if only I were more adorable.” Please stop it. You are what you are, and that’s all you need to be. You are a take it or leave it a package deal. I can retort every negative you give me about myself with a positive about you. Who do you want to believe, your distorted inner voice or my honest voice? My vision is undistorted…I can see you.

You are not a Barbie or Ken doll, and if that’s what you’re with want…it’s time for you to want somebody other than them. Take this in. breathe this truth and learn to be comfortable with it. They hit the lottery if somebody gets lucky enough to be with you. You, however, aren’t defined by others. You are who you are, and you need be no other.

11. You Deserve Better: There are so many that will deny this one. Most of the time, it’s stripping. It is happening. People want to believe they can see the truth…can see reality. You start off strong and a self-secure individual that’s independent. Slowly but surely, your less-than-ideal lover starts to break you down.

Suddenly they disconnect you from your friends and family. They demand all your time, and anybody else is an intrusion. They work hard to make you believe she is the wrong person in your life. Don’t be surprised if they resort to ultimatums. You’ve got an energy vampire with its fangs in your jugular. Don’t give up. You can walk away…it takes strength, and you’ll probably need to go to the friends you dropped for support. Oh yes, this is going to be complicated. Trust me; any true friend will want nothing but to have you back to good. Your true friends will give everything to extract you from your Castlevania.

A true friend gets it. They may have been through it themselves. The truth is vampires have existed in every known civilization since the beginning. They represent narcissism. Understand there are many narcissists out there. It is hard to resist them because of their initial charisma. Your loved ones will spot it. Probably you’ll accuse them of being jealous of what you’ve found. Just know, they’re your friend. They love you. When it’s a fan, and oh yes, it will. That faithful friend will be there for you.

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Andrew Foster

Andrew Foster

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A student of love, relationships and self help who likes to write about and teach what I’ve learned along the way